Obligated or Choice

Almost all the time, I have made major decisions with external influence, either from the people I know and care about or through my prediction of how things will play out. The result? Always realizing that life doesn’t play out the way I rehearsed it, what I “should” do does not bring me any freedom and my happiness is stolen together with it.

What I feel obligated to do has led me to shorter nights, less time with my friends, a family with barely any surprises and a chunk load of “I knew this was gonna happen” moments.

Do I regret the life I’ve lived? No! Do I wish I broke my own rules? Absolutely! For a very long time curfews, others’ feelings and maintenance of an ‘image’ defined who I was and all in all, my time was boxed, I never felt excited for this life, it became predictable.

I played a huge role of course, I always boxed in and never really communicated. In school, for the longest, I played the role of an ideal that ceased to exist the moment it was envisioned. Not to say I never enjoyed those days, I totally loved them. They were not perfect, yes, but the imperfections were flawed as well, there were cracks I learned to penetrate sometimes.

When I felt happy, I never wish or wished I had done something else. In some cases, however, I wish I banked more memories.

I wish I left for home an hour or two past my curfew, it would give me more stories to tell my mom anyway.

I wish I spent more time with the teenagers I love, care about and call “friends”, now they are all leaving for different countries and I only touch them when they’re on my screen.

I could’ve started surprising my family earlier, now we are all grown and our secrets can’t stay hidden for as long as we need, some part always escapes.

I could’ve explored the roads I never dared to before, I would have clearer insight and vision by now, even without the glasses.

I might regret not having done something else. I don’t. I know to do something else now, that’s why I live, to do what I haven’t and explore my free mind, because I know how to unleash more.