The internet, most of us’ daily bread, has fueled ur minds into certain ways of thinking. Most would argue these are ways we find ourselves identifying with. As relational animals, platforms that easily give us access to one another align us with ways we are fit into by those we relate with. We thrive off community, friendships, and most dangerously, romantic relationships. As I find myself settling into my twenties, there’s a lot of principles and norms to unpack, unlearn, relearn and apply, one of them unsurprisingly being the “provider” principle and the questions around it.
The standard provider, the one who can afford every meal, settle every bill, buy gifts for every special occassion, travel with you to your dream holiday destination and give you everything you ask for, is always on tap, anyone can become that. Anyone can get that. I’m not undermining the effort and essence of being a provider in the literal sense of the word, but I’m opening our minds up to another type of providing, one that’s not only a new dawn, but might be something we only know of when we experience it and not before, or sometimes after.
The traditional ‘provider’ title can be earned through a plethora of traditional ways. Jobs, scams, entrepreneurship, sport, inheritance, among bountiful others, are all means to the end. We find ourselves fitting somewhere. While it may take time (sometimes you might take years to build up), the goal is ultimately achievable, yet so many of us have become terrible lovers in the quest of becoming good providers.
The crafty essence of a true loving provider came to me while I was watching the second season of Severance. The seventh episode, ‘Chikhai Bardo’ follows the origins, climax and, to some extent, fall of Mark and Gemma’s beautiful relationship. What started off as a random conversation with a fellow blood donor and ended in the ‘death’ of the other, was, for the greater part, defined by some time in the middle, a small, handsy DIY project. Through the Severance timeline, until this point, outtie* Mark struggled with himself after losing Gemma, and this episode gives justification for his depression. He was in all forms truly the best version of himself with her. Not only did she unlock new dimensions to his being, their struggles made him eager to conquer more. So, while they tried for a baby, the symbolization of Mark assembling the crib goes a long way in defining when love transends the material world and truly starts manifesting in us.
The IKEA effect becomes evident. We are barely witnesses of people building anything. We usually settle for final products. Our ideal partners are people who’ve already figured themselves out and know exactly what they need from relationships with us. This human standard might be key to why we struggle with our parents only to end up admiring them as we too start working on ourselves. The parenting experience is a constant build, to consistently be able to ace it would take a superhuman. Same with the ties that bind us together, as we hope to keep them for as long as we live, and hopefully carry forward into the next life.
What the IKEA effect gives us is the opportunity to go through the building and witnessing processes, then get the finished product, just as we wished we’d do. Nearly 84% of a surveyed group of couples testified to gifts that came as projects making them appreciate and love their partners more, even if it was something as small as a letter or a minor home improvement project. The act of witnessing one build, or even hiking a mountain together can be a transformative experience in appreciating our partners more. Sometimes it doesn’t take building something completely new, but simple things like rediscovering an old hobby together can ignite the flames we never knew were dying down.
To the builder, the quest of pursuing something with an ultimate purpose can bring about some cognitive changes. The act of working doesn’t seem like some mundane task which just needs to be completed with no apparent benefit to the doer. You already know this one’s more than the thought, action or resourcefulness that individually count. It’s the unification of all three becoming a standard for what is. That which we will be.
In this new culture where individualism is glorified to the point where self-care culture has potentially ruined the essence of relationships. Building something that doesn’t belong to you will move you out of the belief that friendships, family or romance should inherently be easy and ‘if it’s meant to be then it will take no effort,’ because challenges will come as we build up. The first challenge might even be choosing what to DIY in the first place. You will need to make some sacrifices. Be it time or brain power, every small thing counts. In this world full of selfishness promotion, and people unwilling to take steps towards being better for the people closest to them, that small lego set might be what makes us cornerstones to the foundations of amazing relationships.
We are, right now, in a loneliness pandemic. What this means is our ways of ‘connecting’ with each other are not working, or we are just too focused on prioritizing our own routines and ‘mental-health wellbeing’ that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to be there for the next person. Also, maybe our skills are just dying. How many of us can pick flowers and make a decent bouquet? Fixing something together for someone we deeply care about might be what fixes us.
After Chikhai Bardo, when outtie* Mark finally finds Gemma, he is broken. Not because innie* Gemma could not recognize him, he hadn’t said anything to get her attention. Gemma, in the ‘Cold Habor’ severed room, was simply the crib Mark was making for their baby. The IKEA effect came back, in full force, on the negative end. For Mark and outtie* Gemma, the crib was a symbol of hope, even after multiple miscarriages, their souls knew there would be something good coming for them. Becoming handsy sparked romance between Mark and Gemma which could’ve been lost by any couple who went through what they did. Mark was building, sacrifising, and getting the best out of their situation. Gemma saw this, and Mark immediately became more than the provider he was before. He became, to her, an unselfish symbol of hope. That’s what a DIY project can do to the dynamics of a relationship, build them up when the world is tearing them down. Outtie* Mark couldn’t handle it, he was torn, so his mission became getting Gemma out of Lumon as fast as he could, before one thing became another, and their symbol of a brighter future before Gemma’s ‘death’, was torn apart.
Chikhai Bardo refers to the the first stage of death in Tibetan Buddhism, where consciousness detaches from the body and encounters the “clear light” of reality. DIY could be the chikhai bardo of our egos, where the clear light of truly loving, and giving ourselves up to become different kinds of providers. What we end up building might be empires.
As much as we love consuming content on loving right, we need to start creating for love. We’re born to be creators. We might as well become true providers in the process.
*in Severance, the terms “innie” and “outie” refer to the two separate, distinct identities of a person who has undergone a surgical procedure to divide their work and personal memories, making 2 completely different personalities in one individual.
IKEA Effect : a cognitive bias in which consumers place a high value on products they partially created or assembled themselves, regardless of the objective quality of the result.
Tadiwa Vambe 
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