My Reason Why

I find myself constantly needing to listen to myself. It surprises me how my thinking and words have people easily trusting me. I am a normal person, or at least I wish I was. I want to engage in conversation. Meaningful conversation. I yearn to laugh, not because what’s around me is funny, but because I and the people around me are purely happy. I want to radiate only the best I see when I envision my greatest self. Every day feels a bit defeated if I don’t bring value or gratitude to it. Sometimes, I forget. I forget the good, the positive, and the kind words I give others. I forget I need them too. I forget I need a reality check, to get my shit back together. This is not purely meant for just me, it’s bigger than me.

How good can it get before it turns bad? What’s the best possible outcome that could come from me just doing this? Who took my words and got a much-needed perspective shift out of all the people I have interacted with? Why am I in this position, where I constantly challenge myself to knock at the gates to my soul and I immediately share what I get when they finally open up? The answers are my reasons. The reasons make me come up with more questions.

How much more can I do? Who is reading this as their first piece? Can I do more? It took me a long time to find the beauty in my own creations. At some point, this did not exist until I created it. I am a creator. My fears, experiences, thoughts, and words are all curated in this text. Yet, somehow, in the labyrinth of this ether, you and I can either lose each other or connect. I can still feel that we connect in agreement, doubt, or disagreement. If you ever thought I helped you, know you helped me too. In your silence and in your words, I heard you, that’s why we still are here. We are not going anywhere but forward.

Sometimes I get lost, lost in the silence. The silence feels like a range of mountains. I wait for someone, something to save me from the depths and distress of these mountains. But, I might have lost the only one who could save me. So I try screaming, but that only stops me from finding myself. So I embrace the silence. I come back, I see purpose. Read. Learn. Write. Build. As long as I have these, I have reason. My soul is replenished, because I need this too. My delicate nature, in which I feel nothing outside but everything inside means I have to do this. I do it for the ones who are still searching. Constantly. You will save yourself from the mountains as soon as you can finally move them.

566 days in, I feel like our rescue mission is taking shape. The best thing is; the power built from moving the first mountains assures us that we can most definitely move more mountains. They wait to face me, you, and everyone else with an experience of this life. It is struggle. Overcoming one thing is only reason enough to keep going. For now, let’s try and move the rock right in front of us, it makes the mountain lighter.